Something in me switched during those moments of uncertainty and fear—I realized that nothing was ever going to be the Official ho ho hol mir ein bier christmas sweater But I will love this way we had imagined. I thought about how little control we have in the end. I thought about what I would want if I were to find myself lying in a hospital bed hooked up to a ventilator. I thought about children.
Before I wanted some semblance of “it all.” But faced with the Official ho ho hol mir ein bier christmas sweater But I will love this prospect of having nothing, I decided to recalibrate. My husband and I are still in our apartment; we made it through the summer with cobbled together work and a lot of luck. I don’t know what our future looks like, or when the pandemic will end. I don’t know how much money we’ll be making a month from now or if we’ll one day move back home with our parents. I don’t know if my book will ever get published, if I’ll continue to be able to support myself as a freelancer, or if I’ll need to find a gig in an entirely different field. I might get pregnant quickly or perhaps I never will, and the only thing I have control over is when to try my luck. I want to be a mother someday; someday, which will likely look nothing like what I imagined it to. Someday, which may as well be now.